I don’t know anymore if the ruthless pursuit of truth is the thing to live for above all. What does it mean to pursue truth: to know that I know, or to know that I don’t know? Or both? Is it always ultimately healing and life-giving in an eternal sense? Or does its searing pain burn away trust and love along with what is incomplete? I must submit, once again, in my ignorance, to that greatest of Truth-tellers, hidden behind so many veils. I must admit that I just don’t know. Truth abstracted from its Person can no longer be my idol, but its Person can. My heart is breaking. I hate feeling vulnerable, messy, and helpless almost as much as I hate ignoring the pursuit of authenticity, but I will keep seeking after Truth through Divine relationship, even in the stickiness of my own preconceptions splattered upon the floor around me, because that is my deepest soul nature. And I will be open to It coming to me in different guises. I will not let the weeds of bitterness choke out my heart, that most integral organ of perception and the wellspring of my life. I will fight to remain open, even as, even because, my heart is breaking open. My heart is breaking open (agony). My heart is breaking open (Hallelujah). My heart is breaking open, and truth is spilling out.
I am reminded once again of Jon Foreman's haunting song "Cure for the Pain", in which he sings "It would be a lie to run away":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M-_sZIh2cQ
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