Forgiveness

Fall is in the air. This has always been my favorite season - in Michigan where I grew up, the leaves change to brilliant shades of yellow, orange, and red before falling delicately off the trees. I would pick up my favorites as I walked through my neighborhood and admire the individual color pattern of each. It all seems like a dream to me now... Fall is a time for dying, a shedding of old skin before the death slumber of winter, and then the joyous burst of life in the spring. It is the time for harvest, when we reap what we have sown throughout the current solar cycle. Many human cultures, recognizing themselves as part of this great cosmic system, have acknowledged this time of year, then, as a time to make amends with one another. Death has a way of bringing to the fore things that have been left undone - of forcing consequences to be faced. And so, during this time, our debts come due. We reap what we have sown. The fruits of our labor (both ripe and rotten) are borne.

Because we are part of an interconnected universe (and, even more intimately, human) community, our flaws, mistakes, and uncorrected issues tend to be brought out through our relationships with one another. We "rub" each other the wrong way, and things that need to be brought out of us to be dealt with for greater holistic health are triggered. Harvest time, dying time, is the period of the seasonal cycle to deal with those issues that have come out but not yet been addressed. We are an interconnected network. Therefore, I believe that "no (hu)man is an island" and thus no human's uncorrected issues, or sins, are hers and hers alone. Everything in the universe belongs, at least a little bit, to every one of us. And thus autumn is not just a time for individual shedding, but also a time for forgiveness. Many religions have acknowledged the great importance of regularly practicing forgiveness (and it's place in the great cycle of life in general) by ritualizing it during this time of the year: Jews celebrate Yom Kippur, Muslims celebrate Ramadan, and Jains do penance for their unaddressed karma during Paryushan.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness this fall, too. This year I've found myself entangled in some "messy" relationships, which hasn't been typical for me throughout my adulthood. Perhaps it is because my heart has been opening up in new ways over the past few years that those sticky issues, those thorns in my heart, have been "caught" by the thorns of others as they begin to get close. I have suffered some grievances, or very painful and unresolved conflicts with some I had trusted as friends, family, and cohorts. Perhaps, when we are hurt, it doesn't matter how much we consider someone a friend - it always hurts, it's always unjust, and it's always perpetrated by a being from this human family. But when we are shamed, rejected, abused, taunted, bullied, threatened, or beaten down by those from within our own tribe, however, the pain does seem to feel more severe. Perhaps it comes as more of a surprise. It's about trust, and who we let into our hearts and inner lives. When someone we trust betrays that trust, no matter the motive, we feel as if we've been shattered from within the sacred confines of our own heart. How, then are we to go on with our lives? How, then, do we resist the urge to board up our hearts to become bitter and brittle people who cannot truly engage in relationship, cannot truly grow, cannot discern spiritual wisdom, cannot access inspiration? How, then, after trauma inflicted by those that knew me but did not value me, am I to believe that I am still a being of light, precious to God and necessary to this earthly community? How, then, can I open myself again to life, rather than death, when I have been shattered?

Beyond these piled-up and writhing questions, undergirding them all with quiet dignity, lies the answer: through forgiveness. Jesus, when asked how many times a man should forgive a brother or sister who sins against him, said seven times seventy times. During the fleeting autumn of his own life, the "season" of his dying on the cross, he said of those that crucified him "forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do". This is what my own father advised me to do upon hearing of my own grievances. "Life is short, Kari" he said. "Just forgive them". My incredibly loving and ever-supportive husband, who truly knows my value and beauty more than any other human being in this world, said in response to my pain "You could do what Jesus did, and turn the other cheek. Or you could take a page out of Gandhi's book, and pocket the insult". My best friend said "Rise above the drama", and another friend said "Cut the spiritual entanglements based on fear - those based on love can never be cut". How grateful I am to have such mature and courageous people in my life, to hold me up and help me see the light when I feel that I'm wandering in the darkness. They hold a mirror in front of me, reminding me not only of my own value and beauty, but also of my own power and responsibility to be a loving and compassionate spiritual being who does the work necessary to learn from her mistakes and allow her weaknesses to become points of spiritual growth and strength, and uses her life to influence the world for love more than for hatred, bitterness or pride. I feel, in the midst of my pain and confusion, blessed. I feel blessed. And, this, I believe, is the beginning of forgiveness.

Is forgiveness the self-sacrifice of Jesus, who takes the world's sin upon himself so that the cosmic slate can continually be wiped clean? Is it the self-immolation of the boddhisatva, who renounces buddhahood to assist other sentient beings toward enlightenment? Yes, I think it is these things and more. Forgiveness is a profound, courageous, and loving act that brings great and deep joy. It is not the smug, power-based (fleeting) "joy" that comes from thinking you took the high road; it is the joy that springs from a place of being "in the flow" of Divine love. When I am fully connected with God's spirit, I feel that my "cup runneth over" and my capacity to love is infinite.

I began to write this essay as an exploration of forgiveness. I had hoped to come up with some elaborate cosmological explanation of the "mechanism" of forgiveness, and why it's important for spiritual health and why it works. But, I'm realizing as I write that forgiveness is mysterious. I know that it has something to do with accepting that, even when people choose to do malicious and hurtful things, it means they are hurting themselves and are in a worse hell than their victim, and already suffering the consequences of their sin in the midst of "committing" it. I know it has something to do with the "victim" freeing herself from the consequences of that sin, so that the negative energy doesn't stay bound up with her spirit. I know it has something to do with wiping the slate clean, which ultimately helps smooth out at least one wrinkle in the varied tapestry of cosmic life. And I know that it results in spiritual wisdom, love, joy, peace, and a deep knowing of Divine grace. But I don't quite understand it.

I think it's also worth noting that, because everything in the universe is interconnected, there is always a reason for everything we encounter in our lives, and the most painful experiences we have are those that hold the most potential for growth - it is these tender spots within our spirits that call for our attention and long to be given over to and healed by Divine hands. So, we always bear some responsibility for the experiences that come into our lives. The quality of the fruit that grows from these experiences, though, will be determined by how we respond to them. I hope that those with whom I have unresolved grievances choose to forgive me (the situation, and themselves) as well, passing their part of the spiritual burden on to Divine spirit to be resolved and dissolved by cosmic love.

Forgiveness is reaping the harvest of our work "in the fields". It is taking on the consequences of the unresolved entanglements in our lives and integrating them into our being for spiritual growth. It is "letting go" by giving the remnants of our grievances that are still with us to Divine spirit to be reabsorbed into the ground of being. Perhaps our sins, karma or unaddressed issues are like those dead leaves that cling to the branches in the fall. They change colors, brighten, so as to be noticed, and forgiveness is like the wind blowing softly on them so they'll drop onto the ground, only to disintegrate, become compost and nourish the soil below.

Forgiveness allows our hearts to become clear and open again. The Bible says "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life", and indeed, it is the most important organ of perception in my own life. Allowing it to become choked off with the tangled weeds of bitterness would be spiritual suicide. Those weeds must be cleared out, and forgivness is what allows the cleansing light of God to flush that most precious of wellsprings. In this way, forgiveness is truly a matter of eternal life and eternal death.

And, so, I forgive, out of responsibility to serve out my purpose in this earthly life, and because I love myself. I forgive, out of Divine joy and a desire to experience the peace and euphoria of being connected to Divine spirit, and because I love God. I forgive, out of compassion and love for those who commit grievances against me, because you are all my brothers and sisters, are all precious, and because I love you.